Snake Dog
by sarky soomka
Summary: Harry discovers a Muggle, x-rated video spoofing Wizard schoolboys. Draco Malfoy as the star was weird enough, but he soon realizes the other actor looks suspiciously like himself. With a fake scar on his forehead too! Someone owes Harry an explanation!
1. Chapter 1

**Snake Dog**

_Disclaimer: For the record, I can truly say I do not own Harry Potter or anything associated with it. _

_A/n: So I had the idea for this story quite a while ago. I was really quite anxious to start it, but I already have one in the works. Which I should be finishing within this lifetime! But, I needed to spice it up a bit and try something new for a minute. Hopefully this one turns out all right!_

_Could NOT think of a title for this story for the life of me... So I named if after the beer I was drinking while writing the majority of this. It totally sucks, I know. Maybe I'll change it. Really not that concerned though!_

_Also, I am definitely _not_ from the U.K., so pardon my mistakes and any botched attempts at anything British. I've only been there once! But its all about having fun anyways, I'm not going out for prizes. ;-)_

**Chapter One:**

I remember the last time I had a pit this massive dwelling in my gut for days on end. And I'm not going to make the same mistake this time. I know he's not interested. Not anymore that is.

I don't understand why he lead me on this long. Clearly he wanted to pursue something! We had excellent chemistry. The few dates we did go on alone were spectacular, I couldn't even have imagined them going any better. We haven't shagged yet, but the foreplay and all that jazz always left me wanting more and wishing we'd take that extra step. God, how I wish I could have at least tried out those waters before it ended! But now the phone rings less and less, and when it does, the time span is larger in between. And my heart sinks lower and lower each day.

When Cory first asked me out I was a little hesitant. I'd already made out with his best mate on multiple occasions at the pub, flirted shamelessly with his other good friend, and kissed his best girlfriend on a dare. All in front of him more or less. At that point I hadn't even considered Cory as a possible prospect. Sure, we'd always ogled eyes and had the occasional flirtatious, sarcastic conversation_, _but for some reason I just didn't think he was interested. Maybe he was just shy. Maybe I was just a moron.

Then one day about two months ago, I ran into Cory at the pub where we first met, and the sparks I was blind to see continued to go off. Apparently. So as he was leaving, he came over to give me a hug and mentioned that he really wanted to ask me out.

Instantly, the tables turned. Suddenly I was imagining all the possibilities of this man! I knew I had always liked Cory and I knew that he'd absolutely be a good boyfriend. Or date. Anything.

"So, ask me out then." I grinned.

"I will!" He told me he'd call me later. However, I didn't get my hopes up. I mean, we were drunk! I learned to never believe the talk when it came to dating or the like coming from a drunk person. Plus I did have another prospective man, Mike, on the back burner anyway. So if this Cory thing didn't work out then I'd at least have a back up for my loneliness.

I went home that night and made myself a midnight snack and soon felt a vibration in my pocket. My mobile had went off and I received a message. From Cory. "_I hope you know I was not joking!"_

I should hope not! I let him know that he better have been serious and he told me he'd call me tomorrow. Again, I didn't get my hopes up. This was still the same drunken night, so no way he'd sobered up enough in that short of a time span to make me believe he would recall his actions the next day. I mean,_ I _would remember what I said to a bloke, but I always had control over myself and always remembered _everything_ the next day – which was not always a good thing. I'm making it a mission though to have at least _one_ blackout experience before I get too old. So far no luck.

But surprisingly, he did call me the next day. We set up a date for the following Thursday. I couldn't wait! The more I thought about Cory, the more I realized just how good looking he was. Ron had always liked Cory when we ran into him, and Hermione thought he was a great, smart guy. He graduated from university and even had a real job! Unlike a lot of the prats I'd dated in the past. They thought he'd be good for me. That had to count for something! But what did they know anyway...

Damn, I need to stop thinking about him! The more I think about him, the deeper I descend. I could love this man. I don't let many into my life easily, but I really think I could clear some space for this guy. Maybe it isn't a lost cause yet. I know for a fact that he is a busy, busy man. But seriously, how can someone be _that _busy?

"If he really wants you, Harry, he'll find the time." Hermione's been saying the last few days, every time I drone on and on about him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so easy to say that. Everyone knows that! But when you're in the situation and you're constantly staring at the phone, always finding yourself staring out into space daydreaming, its just not that easy to swallow. I'd give anyone the exact same advice. But I can't just tell myself all the things I'd say to everyone else in the same situation, it just doesn't work that way. Logically, I know what's going on. I know it was too good to be true. I know that he's going out to the pub with everyone else and not inviting me for a reason. So fuck it, I should just call _him. _But I won't give in.

And speaking of the devil. He's calling right now. God damn, I don't even want to answer it. Now I'm mad at him. Thinking of all the things that make him a possible jerk make me want to ignore his phone call. But maybe he does have legitimate reasons for not calling. Or maybe he just saw something on the street that provoked his memory and he recalled my name from the archive.

Fine. He'll get a few more chances. "Hello?" I asked him, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"Harry, hi! How you doing?" He asked brightly. Really? That was how he decided to start this conversation? Damn it, I think I'm in the friend zone. No!

"Great. Just trying to keep it together, you know? How are you?" We sound like we haven't spoken in ages. In reality, it's been about a week. I suppose this is a natural way to get the conversation going, but it just seems so fake and forced.

"I'm doing well, just finishing getting packed! Can't believe I'm leaving tomorrow already." He declared, sounding excited. What the hell was he talking about?

"Oh, you're going on a trip?" I asked, genuinely curious. Genuinely thrown off guard.

"Yeah, we're going to visit Brent in New York. I thought I told you?" He said, his voice trailing off like he didn't even really want me to know. Brent's one of his best mates. The one I made out with three or four different nights at the pub. We even broke a fence together. _That _was an interesting night. We went outside to the back of the pub where everyone smoked cigarettes. I had him pushed up against this makeshift wooden wall that the pub took up and down at their leisure to enclose a little area for smoking. And I guess we must have been a little too rough, and the wall actually started to move backward and we thought for sure it was going to fall. And then I twisted my ankle trying to catch my balance as I drunkenly fell into Brent's arms. Cory wasn't there that night, thank God. He never would have liked me if he'd witnessed that spectacle!

"Hmm, it's breaking news to me!" I exclaimed, trying not to sound like I cared too much. I'm sure I was going about this all wrong. What the hell did I know?

"Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Anyways, what are you doing tonight? Do you want to grab a drink? I'd like to see you before I take off." He asked. Thanks for the notice. I hope he wasn't just feeling obligated to invite me out. I'd like to think he actually _wanted _to get a drink with me. But his tone didn't sound too convincing. I'll accept the offer anyway.

"Sure, that sounds fun." So we made the arrangements. I'd meet him there in about an hour or so and maybe I'll even con him into buying me a few drinks.

It's hard being gay sometimes. It's always confusing as to who gets to pay for the date. Because obviously we're both the guy in the relationship. When you're a straight couple, it's common knowledge that when on a traditional date the man pays the tab. Supposedly. Maybe not every time. And I guess there are some feminist women out there who would probably refuse to let a man pay and insist on going dutch... But since we're both the man, who get's to be the guy and who gets to be the girl? I think I'll be the girl tonight and not pay. Maybe I'll just pay for my own. Ugh, this isn't even a date for Christ's sake! Just drinks! Who bloody cares. I don't even know where I'm going with this. I need to get changed.

I have to look good. I don't want to look like I tried all evening to find the perfect pub crawl outfit, but I can _not _go in with what I'm wearing right now. Which is shirtless and lounge pants. I'd probably get kicked out. I decide to wear a Gryffindor red t-shirt, which is tight and shows off my fit torso. Or so I like to tell myself that I'm fit. It doesn't matter whether or not it actually emphasizes my muscles, I feel confident and good wearing it and that's all that really matters.

I arrived near the pub moments later, having apparated to a back alleyway around the corner and have to walk for five minutes or so. I tried to peer in through the window to catch a glimpse of the crowd, and to see if Cory had arrived already, but it's too dark. I can't see anything. I guess I'll just have to go in and take my chances. Scoping out the scene, I spot Cory in a heartbeat. He waves me over pleasantly and I take a seat across from him at a high top table. I don't hug him and he doesn't make to hug me. Jerk.

"Hey." He greeted awkwardly. Probably just because we haven't seen each other in a while.

We chatted aimlessly for a moment or two, but then I really _needed_ my beer. Cory said he'd get them. Score! He stood up to walk over to the bar and I got a good look at his bum, which is pretty nice. Not the best arse I'd ever seen, but it was good. A little big. I tried to twist that into a turn-off, but I just felt more attracted to him. He returned seconds later with two, tall lagers and set one down in front of me, which sloshed all over onto the table and made my hands sticky when I picked up the glass. Oh well, guess it happens! I'll be a good sport.

"So Bren'ts going into the medical program over there, right?" I ask, even though I already know the answer to the question. He doesn't necessarily know that though! I'll let him refresh my memory. Plus, I kind of want to quiz him to see if all their stories and facts are consistent.

He nodded and took another sip of his beer. Cory, unfortunately, is a Muggle. So one of these days, if the opportunity ever arises, I'll have to let it slip that I'm a wizard. Hopefully he takes the news well, seeing as it's not a very common thing and just a tad unusual.

As the night progressed, I became less and less agitated with the man and fell more and more infatuated. This was bad since he'd be gone for an undetermined amount of time. He said he'd be gone for a week, but he wasn't sure. So what, did he just plan on buying the return flight ticket any old time? I mean, those ticket prices aren't cheap! Especially when bought on such short notice. Whatever. He was starting to get a little shady. Maybe I should be interpreting it as intriguing though.

"Do you want to get out of here?" I suggested, suddenly bored with the atmosphere of the pub. We'd already had quite a bit to drink. I didn't know where we'd go, but I really just wanted to kiss him.

"Okay." He agreed easily. Since Cory had paid for all our drinks with cash, we didn't need to wait for our tab and could leave instantly, which was nice.

We walked outside down the street in no particular direction, purposely crashing into each other and pushing each other around. This was fun. I loved the playful way he smirked and showed his teeth unabashedly, which were actually fantastic and really white. He just looked like he was truly enjoying himself. I don't know what to conclude with this guy!

Suddenly we wound up in a quiet area. The street didn't look too scary, so I didn't mind that we were stopping. Cory came to a halt, stepping forward and reaching his arm out to brush a stray tendril of hair out of my eyes. He grinned dubiously and kissed my lips. I quit my giggle fit immediately and tried to settle down, which was difficult at the moment considering how much fun we were just having. But damn, those lips wanted attention, and I sure as hell wanted to adhere to their wishes... Okay. I could handle this.

Cory kissed very softly. Almost hesitantly. Like he didn't utilize the entirety of his lips potential. I wish he would use a little more tongue though! So I slipped my tongue inside his mouth, hoping that he'd get the hint and reciprocate a little, but it was like pulling teeth. Almost like he just pushed my tongue out, disgusted or something. Fine! I still liked his technique though, however tentative it may be.

I don't know where I'd place Cory if I had to rate all the guys I've ever kissed in my life. I know, without a doubt, who'd earn the number one slot – his friend Brent. I would _never _admit that to anyone other than Ron or Hermione though, and probably not even Hermione. Brent kissed with such passion and hunger, he actually growled and I could hardly take it. It was almost _too _hot. I've never kissed someone like that before! Too bad all we had going for us was an intoxicated attraction.

But kissing Cory is nice. I can't compare him to anyone else. He's got his own ways... and I can live with them.

"I can't even look at you." He smiled, shying away and looking down.

"Why?" I asked, trying to catch his gorgeous, enormous blue eyes.

"Your eyes. They're just too cute." He admitted, going in for another kiss.

"Oh. Well, thank you? Yours are better though." I said, not sure how to respond to that. That's the third time this week I've gotten a compliment on my eyes! Such strange coincidences. Back in the Hogwarts days, I'd always received comments on my eyes. Oh, your mother's eyes, your mother's eyes! Yeah, yeah yeah. That's great. It got a little old after a while. But after Hogwarts, and after I'd already met everyone who was anyone that knew my mother, the comments stopped. Guess they'd all already told me. Which was fine by me.

Suddenly I felt his hands roaming around towards my hips, and I remembered I had my wand in my front pocket. Shit! Why the hell did I have it with me? On a date with a Muggle? Fuck, he was going to feel it and –

"What the heck is this?" He asked, trying to get a good feel of the wand through my jeans. Yep. Just what I figured would happen. Well, guess it's as good a time as any to let him in on my secret.

"Oh. That." I hesitated. I didn't know how to go about this exactly...

He stared at me questioningly, waiting for an explanation. Although he didn't seem too concerned, mainly just curious. I'm sure I could have avoided this awkwardness if I didn't instinctively act suspicious.

I decided to pull the wand out and show him. But first I should probably warn him...

"All right listen, Cory, I haven't been completely honest..." I started, trying to stall but knew I had to keep going since Cory started backing away in fear. Shit, he looked really concerned. "No, no, no. It's okay!" I said, trying to keep him calm.

He laughed nervously and crossed his arms, nodding for me to continue. "Fine. I'm a wizard." I blurted out, hoping he got my drift and understood immediately.

"A _wizard_? You've got to be joking." He laughed, but didn't look amused.

"Yeah. See?" I said, pulling out my wand to prove what I was talking about.

"And you carry around a bloody stick with you? You're barking mad." He asked incredulously, staring at my wand in disbelief. Fuck. He thought I was one of those freaks who hung around in cellars with the lights off. Probably thought I wore trench coats and played computer games all afternoon. Or worse, he thought I carried around a _fake _wand and liked to _pretend_ I could do spells! No. This was not going to be his lasting impression of me. He had to know I was not a fraud or a bloody boffin.

"It's not a stick, it's a fucking wand. Do you need me to prove it to you?" I sighed, growing impatient. I hate explaining myself to people. They either get it or they don't. Sometimes it took just a minute to grasp and sometimes they thought I was a mental case. Seems like Cory was falling towards the latter conclusion unfortunately.

"Yeah!" He gasped, looking around the area to see what kind of people were in sight. I didn't care, it was dark and the street was mostly deserted. No one would notice a little levitation charm from a distance.

I chose a rather large rock from a few feet away, cocking my head to indicate where I wanted him to look. I swished and flicked, and before his very eyes the stone rose into the air. I lifted it about ten feet. Just to be dramatic.

"What the fuck...?" He said to himself, staring with his mouth gaping.

"See. I'm a wizard. You-" I started, but Cory cut me off.

"How the hell did you do that? This can't be real." He exclaimed, gawking at me looking utterly petrified. "What the fuck did I take today?"

"Look, you may be a little drunk. But you're not hallucinating! You're not drugged. You saw what I did. I swear it's real." I didn't know how to explain it to him. I was tired now and didn't feel like getting into this discussion tonight. I'd much rather just continue making out. If he'd ever be able to look at me the same again, of course.

"I don't like it." He stated simply. Figures. "This is too weird."

"Well, I am what I am. I can't help it! You'll realize how incredible it is in time."

"I don't know..." He started, unsure of himself. God damn, I didn't want to deal with this right now.

"Fine. Well, I'm going to go then."

"No!"

"Why? You're leaving tomorrow morning and it's getting late anyway." I didn't want him to talk me out of leaving. I'll just disapparate right in front of him, give him one last reason to believe every word I said, and see if he calls me when he gets back from New fucking York.

"Yeah, but-"

"Look. Give me a call when you get back from your trip. Think about it. Take it all in. Trust me, it isn't as surreal as you think right now. I could show you so much! It's fascinating, really. So, have fun on your trip. I hope to hear from you, Cory. Don't jump to conclusions." I smiled, giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek before disappearing into the darkness. I wish I could have seen his face as I vanished right before his eyes, but sadly that was not possible.

There was no way he was going to call me again. I'd fucked it up royally, and he was scared shitless. Especially now that I evanesced into thin air mid-conversation. Not cool. What was I thinking showing off like that? Clearly I knew better. Sod it.

Now I have to figure out where I am. I ended up somewhere completely random. And totally horrendous! When I chose an apparation destination, I didn't necessarily have any place in mind. I honestly can't even remember what I was thinking, but it certainly wasn't _this_. By the looks of it, I was in adult content central. Both sides of the streets had XXX displays and flashing neon lights advertising dancers and videos. Toys, props, games, costumes, edibles, books, you name it. They had it. I had to get out of here! I couldn't decide whether or not I wanted to crack up or throw up.

I found myself walking into a store. I had a moments hesitation, shrugged and let myself do it. It'd be a good laugh for later, and I'm sure Ron would get a kick out of it. He'd probably bitch and moan that I didn't invite him along. Rolling my eyes at my own insanity, I started scanning through the porn videos. Why not? I sure as hell didn't need any costumes.

Jesus Christ, these were preposterous! How could people watch some of this rubbish? I had to get to the gay porn section, stat. These fake breasts would just not do.

Hmm. Three for £20. I'd just have to get three then. As a token for the night. Just for the hell of it. And because I haven't watched a Muggle porn flick in _ages. _The future laugh factor was just too strong to pass up. Too bad Ron wouldn't be able to appreciate them with me. But that's not really something I would want to watch with him anyway...I don't know why the thought even crossed my mind! Gross.

I picked up one film that looked like it had a Wizard theme to it. _The Boys Who – _but the rest of the title was covered up with a ridiculous sticker stating the rating R18, as a precautionary for idiots who didn't realize this was a porno. I didn't even bother peeling the sticker back to see the rest of the title. Frankly, that was the least important factor of the film. But this could be interesting... Plus, the blonde guy on the back was really, really attractive. From what I could tell anyway. I couldn't see his entire face. But the body! Whoo! Fab. I bet this one would be hysterical though, just for the wizard mockery if nothing else.

I paid for my three choices, earning a strange reaction from the clerk behind the counter. God knows why? I could have sworn I looked completely normal before I stepped out of the house! I guess I must have something on my face. Besides my scar obviously.

I couldn't wait to get home now to play the video. Not really because I cared much about porn, but just because it looked so damn funny!

Back at home, I ripped the packaging off of the video and threw it haphazardly onto the floor. I could clean it up later. I think I remember how to work the telly for playing videos, but it's been so long I'm sure I'll have to mess around with it a bit. And how wrong I was! Instantaneous results. Just like riding a bike...

The video started up immediately. I didn't have to fast forward through any adverts which was nice. And holy fucking shit - was that who I think it is?

Draco Malfoy?

No way. It _couldn't _be. This was a Muggle film! What the _fuck _was he doing starring as the hot feature boy of the film? Holy shit. Why the fuck did he look so _good_?

As much as it pained me to watch Malfoy wave his decent sized dick in the air, I couldn't turn it off. I had to see where this was going. It'd only been on for mere minutes, and I haven't even seen anything. Besides Malfoy that is.

Oh my God. I'd never be able to get over this. I wish it wasn't too late to call Ron. He'd just die!

It seemed that Malfoy was walking around on a passenger train. Reminded me faintly of the Hogwarts Express. Opening up each compartment door with a flick of his wand, which I bet wasn't real, he peered inside and turned back around. Each train compartment had its own occupants, naked of course, getting it on one way or another. He didn't stand in the doorway long enough for the viewer to really get a good look at what was going on inside. I mean, I got the gist, but they didn't seem to be the main purpose of the film. He must have been looking for a specific person.

And looks like he found him! And what the fuck. Was this some sort of a sick joke? I watched Malfoy throw open the door mutinously and there sat, wearing only a red and gold tie, was some black haired guy with glasses. He looked suspiciously like me.

Was Malfoy really in a porn film playing himself? He _did _have on a Slytherin colored tie. And was he really fucking a guy playing _me_? I wasn't completely sure it was supposed to be me until I saw the scar! What. The. Fuck. Bloody hell. This can not be real. I feel like Cory from earlier tonight, who kept saying "this can't be real" over and over again. I knew for a fact that I was not dreaming. I'm not sure which was a scarier thought. The fact that I could make up such an asinine, extravagant idea in my sleep or that this was actual true life.

Well, obviously the fact that this is real! I had to keep watching, as much as it pained me to do so. It's just too plain weird to turn off! I can't believe Malfoy would turn to the Muggle pornography industry and proceed to make a video based on his fantasy in real life.

Now that stirred up a _whole _other list of questions. Did Malfoy have some sort of twisted crush on me? Surely, he could have chosen anyone _else_ to have as his partner character. But me? That just didn't make sense. I couldn't even enjoy the fact that however hot and arousing the film may be, it was about ME. And Malfoy. _Together. _

Grabbing the box, I read the entire back searching for some sort of a clue. _Blond wizard aboard a school-bound train finds his arch nemesis alone. _Yadda, yadda, yadda. Rough, vicious sex. Rimming...

Hold up. Rimming? No way. I would not consent to that with Malfoy! There must have been a good reason I didn't thoroughly read the fine print while shopping at the store. It just looked so funny at the time! And thank god I bought it! This was some sick and twisted shit, I can't even imagine how many people who know me have seen it. Probably not many since it's Muggle...but still! The fact of the matter still remains.

I have to find Malfoy. I don't know where he'll be, but I have to find him. I have to shove this in his face, demand answers, and figure out what the hell possessed him to make something like this!

And I needed my partner in crime, Ron, to track him down with me. He didn't necessarily need to _see _this, but he sure as hell needed to know it bleeding existed.

-00000000000-

_A/n: Well, hope its off to a decent start! I'll take any ideas and thoroughly consider them! I'd appreciate all the help I can get. I mean, I have an idea of what's going to happen...but mostly I just had the idea for the story itself. So give me some feedback!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Snake Dog**

_A/n: Thank you guys for your support and encouragement! Glad to see you like the story so far. :D_

**Chapter Two:**

I tried to turn the video off. I really did. And the more I looked at Malfoy's tight arse, the longer my eyes stayed glued to the screen. I mean, I couldn't look at the other guy in the scene! It just didn't feel right. He was supposed to be _me _for God's sake_. _It almost made me want to be sick. However attractive the imposter may be, it just felt disgusting. It was like watching myself have sex. I did not _ever_ want to do that. I'm not that narcissistic!

Fuck it. It isn't that late. I'm calling Ron tonight. And even if he was in bed ridiculously early, he could wake up. He needed to know about this _now._

I set myself up in the floo, and waited for Ron to figure out my head was floating in his fireplace.

"Ron!" I called, hoping he'd hear me.

"Harry? What is it? It's after ten o'clock." Ron asked a few moments later, as if it was the strangest occurrence having his best mate call at ten fifteen. I ignored my urge to call him an old codger.

"I know. But Ron, I need to show you something. It's really...well I wouldn't necessarily say _important_, but you'll definitely want to see this." I babbled, not exactly sure whether or not I wanted to burst out saying "Malfoy's in a porn and he's having sex with me!" just in case Hermione was right there. I did wonder whether or not she would be interested though. I could never tell where her curiosity lied. Sometimes Hermione could be supremely square, and other times she surprised us all and could be as dirty minded as a boy. Oh hell, of course she'd be interested!

"Can't it wait til tomorrow? Hermione and I were just about to get ready for bed. You know?" He winked, and I suddenly felt awful interrupting their weekend night. But whatever! They could have sex tomorrow afternoon. I had to tell someone! And it had to be now.

"Yeah I mean...it could. But you're really going to get a kick out of this! It's about Malfoy." I said, giving him a little preview of what's to come. Hoping that'd be enough to pique his interest.

"What happened?" Ron suddenly sounded engaged in our conversation. I could hear Hermione in the background beckoning Ron to their bedroom and I instantly had a horrid image of her wearing a silky nightgown, and quickly pictured Cory's beautiful face instead to erase that visual from my mind.

"Nothing happened. I told you I wanted to _show_ you something. It's a video. You should come through and see it." I explained, hoping he would. I mean, I _could _wait until tomorrow, but I wanted to continue laughing and solving this mystery tonight.

"Okay. I'll come through. Can you wait about...half an hour?" He grinned, not bothering to explain what he meant. I knew why. It made me want to gag, but I knew.

"Sure. I'll leave the floo open. Bring Hermione too if she wants, but warn her - it's about a porn film." I said, making sure he'd want to come over now.

"A _porn film_?" He said in a hushed voice. "What!"

"Go on and have fun. I'll leave the floo open. And if you want to wait until tomorrow, that's fine too. But you _have got _to see this. It is really fucking weird."

"Okay. We'll be over soon."

So I waited. I turned off the video, not wanting to risk any unwanted erections as Ron and Hermione stepped through the floo. That could be embarrassing! Because if Malfoy's abs continued to look that hot throughout the entire film, then I know I wouldn't be able to control myself. Damn, I can not believe I find Malfoy attractive. That was almost the most disconcerting thought of all. Almost.

I decided to put on pajama bottoms for extra room just in case I did manage to get a little aroused. It would probably hide my shame a bit better. Besides, I needed to kill the time anyway. I couldn't just stand around and pick my nose waiting!

"Harry?" I heard Hermione call fifteen minutes later. That was quick! I hope I didn't put a damper on their little rendezvous and make them feel obligated to end it early.

It didn't look like it. Hermione's face was still a bit flushed, probably from embarrassment of coming over here right after their little love session, and Ron looked positively satisfied.

"Harry, what's going on?" Ron demanded, plopping down on the sofa.

"You'll never guess what I bought. On accident, of course." I said, just to confirm that I did not find this on purpose! How could I have known! The box didn't have his name printed, and the pictures on the box didn't really make it obvious.

"Look at this." I threw the box at Ron and he caught it automatically. "It's a gay porn, yes. But try to disregard that fact."

Ron twisted up his face, trying to ignore the male bodies on the box, and examined it carefully. Hermione sat down next to Ron, craning her neck to get a glimpse of it at the same time.

"They're pretending to be wizards!" Hermione laughed, at least getting some of the point.

"I know, but that's not all. I really want to show you some of the film...if you want to risk it." I laughed, knowing perfectly well that they might not want to see bits of a gay porn. "This is a Muggle video too, obviously." They stared at me like I was a moron for even mentioning it was Muggle, like they couldn't have figured it out for themselves. I just wanted to clarify!

"I want to see." Hermione stated, without a moments hesitation. I had a feeling she would be the first to agree.

"Yeah fine, fine. I don't really _want_ to see this, but there must be a reason if you're bothering. This better be good." He laughed, crossing his arms in reluctance.

"Right." I turned the video back to the beginning and waited for their reaction. Any second now, Malfoy would show his face to the camera and then it would all click. Well, not all of it yet, they still needed to see the Harry Potter character. I'd fast forward to that bit for their sanity's sake.

"Holy shit, that's Malfoy!" Ron declared, leaning forward and pointing obnoxiously at the screen.

"It gets better." I insisted. Well, maybe better wasn't the appropriate term, but it surely got funnier!

"He's wearing the Slytherin tie!" Hermione pointed out in disbelief. Ron gawked and looked at me dubiously.

"Harry, how'd you come across this?" He asked justifiably.

I paused the video to answer their questions. I told them the entire lengthy story of how I went out with Cory for a bit, how I revealed my secret Wizarding life, apparated away to an unknown destination when he got scared, and ended up on Triple X Alley.

"I was still a little bit buzzed from the beers, I was feeling frisky! I don't know, I was looking through the videos for fun and saw this one. I noticed it had wizards on the cover, I thought it'd be funny! I had no idea how funny it really was until I put it on."

"I can't believe Malfoy would make Muggle pornography..." Ron shook his head, mulling it over.

"That's not the point! Ron, he's made a film about riding the Hogwarts Express!" Hermione said, half amused and half concerned.

"You guys have got to see this next part. I'll forward it so you don't have to see too much unnecessary nudity." I explained, pressing the button on the remote control. They looked grateful. I stopped it at a frame clearly exposing the lightning bolt shaped scar on this other guy's forehead. They would surely put it together now.

"Harry, you're in the video!" Ron said quickly, and realized his mistake almost immediately after. "Oh wait, that isn't you!"

"Malfoy's got some guy playing you?" Hermione concluded.

"Looks that way to me!" I shrugged. I needed to discuss this. I'm so glad they came over, I probably wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight.

"Do you see the Gryffindor tie?" Ron pointed out, disgust written all over his face.

"I haven't even watched the entire thing. I have no idea what kind of other weird shit happens, I'm not sure I even want to know!" Who was I kidding? Of course I wanted to know! I didn't want to watch the rest with them here, but I could finish it later. This was enough to get the mystery going.

"Why would he make something like this?" Hermione pondered, twisting up her eyebrows in contemplation.

"I don't know." I said, stopping the video. "But one thing's for sure, I have got to find Malfoy. I bet he never in a million years figured I'd find out about this."

"Why is he shagging _you _of all people!"Ron asked, bewildered.

"That's _exactly_ what I want to know more than anything. Maybe it was just some way to make a film about wizards." I started, but Hermione cut me off.

"No way. If he wanted to make the film about wizards, or Hogwarts, he could have chosen any nondescript male. He went out of his way to make it clearly represent you. Unless this guy just so happens to have the _same_ exact scar burned into his forehead, then it seems really unlikely that he didn't do this on purpose. You should finish watching it later and see if anything else happens." Hermione always made sense. How that girl always knew _everything_ was beyond me.

"You're right-"

"He probably fancies you! He's probably been harboring this crush for years, mate!" Ron laughed, as if the idea was preposterous. I didn't think the idea was totally far-fetched...

"That's really scary." I didn't want to think about Malfoy obsessing over me for years!

"He probably has all the _Prophet _clippings of you pasted all over his wall over a shrine." Ron continued, lightening the mood. I appreciated his humorous take on the situation, but this was serious! Kind of.

"Gross. I don't want to imagine! Do either of you know where Malfoy's been these days?"

"Last I heard he was working at the Ministry. But that was at least a year ago. He's kind of been under the radar. I'll ask around at work Monday." Hermione explained.

Fuck. It was only Friday night. I'd have to wait two and a half days for this information! Oh well.

"Yeah, that's what I heard too. Ginny said she saw him walking around Diagon Alley a few months ago. She didn't talk to him though. Can't imagine why!" Ron shrugged. That was at least a bit more helpful. I guess. I'll have to give Ginny a ring tomorrow and ask if she knows anything.

"You guys are the best. You have to help me find him! I need answers. It's creepy!"

"I agree, mate. I'll help you find him, but if it starts getting really queer and weird, you're on your own." Ron laughed, clapping me on the back.

"I can't believe you found this, Harry. I'll let you know if I get any news about Malfoy's whereabouts. But I have _got _to get to bed." She yawned, standing up and making to hug me.

-00000-

After they left, I didn't watch the rest of the video. I suddenly noticed how tired I was myself and hit the sack. This morning, however, was a whole other story.

I made myself breakfast, cold cereal, and sat in front of the telly watching the morning news. The abandoned video box was still laying on the coffee table, I resisted the urge to pick it up. I didn't need nudity at the crack of dawn! I mean, it would certainly be welcome...but definitely not necessary. I noticed my mobile had a new message, and I was thankful for a momentary distraction from the Malfoy shit.

It was from Cory. I didn't even hear my phone ring! That's okay. Listening, I noticed he spoke hurriedly, probably rushing to get to Heathrow. Damn that place was busy! "_Hi Harry, I'm on my way to the airport now, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I totally overreacted last night, but you have to admit – it was quite a shocker! You'll have to teach me more about it all when I get back. I'm sure there's _much _to tell! Well, enjoy your week, and I'll give you a call when I get home. Cheers!_"

Well, that was nice! I _knew _he'd come around! Thank God! I don't know if I'd be able to handle it if I never spoke to Cory again. Weeks and weeks worth of pining and falling couldn't just be forgotten overnight! He sounded rather sincere also, but I'll just have to wait til next week to find out for sure.

Now, about that call to Ginny. I didn't know whether or not Ginny would be home, considering it is Saturday morning. Who knows what she got herself into last night! I decided to send her a text message, since I knew she'd gotten a mobile phone a few weeks ago. That way she could respond at her leisure. I didn't want to bother with owling, this would be much more efficient.

"_Ginny, how are you! Listen, call me when you get a chance. I have a question for you. No hurry!" _I typed, not even bothering to give more details. Sure, it was a little vague, but she'd get back to me. She was good for that sort of thing.

I'm really glad that Ginny and I have such a great relationship. It wasn't easy admitting to her my homosexuality. We never properly rekindled our relationship after the war, and I wouldn't have been able to mentally even if we wanted to. I was distraught and a total nutter when ''peace'' had finally come, plus I was still questioning my sexuality myself. Eventually I got to a comfortable place and was able to come clean to my friends. It was such a weight lifted off my shoulders! And when Ginny said she'd had a feeling for a while, that made it even more all right.

Nearly an hour later, Ginny rang me back. She chose fire-call, but that was just fine.

"Harry, what's up!" She asked, taking a chance that I was even home.

"Ginny! How are you! I'm just dillydallying around the flat, planning what I want to make for dinner later." I exclaimed, glad to see her lovely, yet distorted fiery face.

"I'm well. Very well. Just getting home from a night out." I knew it! She probably spent the night at some punks home!

"You floozy!" I teased, wishing she were here. I truly missed her, we haven't really gotten together much over the last few months.

"I am not! And for your information, I was having a girls night with Luna!" She declared, suddenly sounding defensive. I'm not sure I necessarily believed her, but it didn't even matter nonetheless.

"Fine. Whatever you say!" I laughed, making sure she knew I was in a lighthearted mood. "Well anyways, I wanted to ask you something."

"Shoot."

"Ron said you mentioned something about seeing Draco Malfoy in Diagon Alley recently?" I got straight to the point.

"Yeah sure, I did. Why?"

"Well...it's a long story. I may or may not have found a Muggle porno...that he's in. And its really rather twisted, so I want to talk to him." I suddenly didn't feel like explaining the entire situation to Ginny. I would have hoped she could have just read my mind, but she never would.

"What are you on about?" She totally didn't get it. Damn. I suppose I didn't really _explain_ anything.

"I bought a gay porn last night...for a laugh...if you ever see the box you'll understand. Anyways! Malfoy's in the film. And he's shagging a guy...that's supposed to be me." I explained swiftly, catching my breath afterward.

"_What_! How do you know it's supposed to be you?"

"Because of the bloody makeup scar he's got on his forehead! And the Gryffindor tie he's wearing...and the glasses. Trust me. It's supposed to be me. I guarantee it."

"That's absolutely...that's fucking weird. You'll have to show me this later! And I don't even want to know where you got it."

"Right. I mean, I didn't go looking for this! I just came across it. It doesn't matter. So, I really just want to see Malfoy and shove the video in his face. I've got to know what the fuck he was thinking! Do you know where he's been?"

"Not really, no. I mean, hearsay at work says he's been living in London, but that was months ago. And that's really general anyway. I saw him in Diagon Alley like you said, he was going into the bookshop. That's about all I know, really." Ginny offered, looking like she truly wished she could help more.

"Damn. Already knew all that. Oh well, guess it'll have to turn into a hunt!"

"Guess so! And yeah, I haven't seen anything written on him in the _Prophet _either." She said, reading my mind. I was just going to ask about that!

"Well, thanks for your help, Ginny." I started.

"Don't mention it. I didn't even tell you anything useful! But, if that's all then I'm going to get going. Got lots of errands to run today!" I could practically hear her smile, her voice sounded so pleasant!

Well, none of my friends knew where Malfoy was. I guess that wasn't at all surprising. We didn't exactly keep tabs on him when we left Hogwarts. Sure, there were a few dozen articles throughout the first year or so after the war printed about him or mentioning him, but nothing really juicy. Nothing that could tell me anything about his current state.

Last I'd heard of him, he was trying to make a name for himself. A few of the Order members even gave him the benefit of the doubt and helped him achieve credit when no one else would even give him a chance, considering his Death Eater father and those little _stunts_ he pulled in school. Many witches and wizards still didn't like the sound of the name _Malfoy, _but it'd been three years since the war. He wasn't getting into trouble, he wasn't making headlines. He was probably a reformed man! He probably lived a quiet life with a regular, proper job in an immensely clean flat. And of course he was filming pornography films on the side. Unless that was his actual career! I shudder at the thought of Malfoy, a hoity toity pureblood, a wizard "better than" all of us, stooping so low and succumbing to a life of filth and shame. I highly doubt that would be his first choice.

Malfoy had to be somewhere in England alive and kicking. But this is quite a large country, not large compared to anywhere else he'd be really, but I definitely had a lot of ground to cover! Fuck, he could be anywhere. For all I know he could have hopped on the plane and left for New York with Cory and company. Chances were mighty slim, but anything was possible!

-00000-

The rest of the weekend was quite dull. Come Monday morning, I was a nervous wreck. I watched the rest of the video, nothing much else happened. I saw the promised rimming, which he did to "me" thankfully. I was worried for a second that it would have been me licking Malfoy's arsehole. Which would never ever happen. I'd rather fight Voldemort all over again. Well...maybe not. That's a bit of a stretch.

At precisely half five, Hermione called from the fireplace. She had news of finding Malfoy, and I nearly jumped off the couch when I found out he was extremely close. Apparently he'd been working down the street from me! For months! How could I not have ever ran into him!

I decided not to take a job at the Ministry. As much as they begged and pleaded, I just couldn't oblige. I didn't want to work in a stuffy office with the hustle and bustle of the Ministry life every day. I needed something quiet. For a while at least.

So I chose to work in a Muggle hotel. They fell in love with my charming personality and dashing good looks immediately and had me doing it all. They couldn't decide if they wanted me working behind the front desk or behind the hotel bar more. I preferred to work behind the bar, it was a bit more relaxed and fun, but day shifts were definitely better at the desk.

And if Malfoy was working down the street at the bookshop, I clearly had my head in the clouds! I passed it nearly once a week! Every Wednesday when I worked the day shift at the front desk, I'd walk down the street a bit to the cafe and get a cheese and tomato toastie for lunch. My friend, Claudia, always worked Wednesday afternoons, and I just loved talking to her! She really got a kick out of me being gay and we always traded relationship advice. I don't think she had many friends, honestly. I can't imagine why! She has a wonderful personality, and if I wasn't gay, I'd probably go for her.

But if he worked in the bookshop...how on Earth did I miss him! I probably stopped and looked through the window every other time I passed! And that shop wasn't that big. Privately owned, so they probably only needed one or two workers on schedule at a time. Maybe three. It probably had a basement level with more stock invisible from the view through the window. Maybe that's where Malfoy hid. Lurking in the basement, stocking books and getting ideas for porn films while it was quiet.

This was it. My chance. I'd have to check today! Maybe he didn't work Wednesdays. The only day I'd ever even walked by. Gosh, I don't know what I'm going to do if he's there!


	3. Chapter 3

**Snake Dog**

_A/n: Thank you guys for the encouragement! Means a lot :D_

**Chapter Three:**

I had to go inside. I couldn't just pace back and forth across the street like a stalking criminal waiting til I found the nerve. I just had to push through the door. It won't be that difficult! In fact, looks like the door is already propped open. They've done the easy part for me. Cunts. I don't know why I'm making such a federal case about this, it's only Malfoy. Only a Malfoy who has grown into quite the looker! However, not sure why I'm even considering that as an issue.

Fuck it.

I watched for oncoming traffic and half ran across the street hastily, stepping closer and closer to the entrance. Upon further inspection, I can see the store is full of civilians, well there's at least a good crowd of five, and I relax a bit. This way I won't be put on the spot. Maybe they won't even notice me walk in.

"Hi there, how are you?" The man with a thick, rust colored wooly sweater behind the till asks pleasantly, immediately as I step over the threshold.

Naturally. They _would _notice me straight away. Bugger.

"Lovely, sir. Thanks." I nod and try to act like I belong in a bookshop. Yeah, I _look_ the part of a bookworm, I've got the hip glasses and sure, I own loads of books, but most remain unread. They're mainly just there for collecting. Collecting dust. And so I can show off. So when someone worth trying to impress comes around for a visit they can see my shelf and say, "W_ow, great bookshelf." _Or something or another. I just buy books for ornamental purposes. What a joke.

So far I don't see him. The man who greeted me seems to be the only employee in view. I suppose Malfoy could be on a lunch break or in the loo, but somehow I doubt – a-ha! A staircase!

"_More books down here!" _A laminated, drab, wasabi green colored sign declared with a tiny arrow pointing down towards the abyss. Part of me started to hope he wasn't down there, but I really want to find out about this damn porno. I won't be able to sleep until I get answers!

And holy shit! This store is huge! I was just expecting one more scanty room, but I feel this basement is larger than the upstairs. But yet, no sign of him. Just some apron-clad girl. She asks if I need help finding anything, and I was tempted to blurt out asking if she knew any porn stars or Malfoy in particular.

Actually she's probably the perfect person to ask. That guy upstairs seemed a little too professional. He probably would have given me the third degree if I started pestering him, and I bet he wouldn't even tell me anything useful.

"Excuse me, miss?" I asked hesitantly, giving her my best _you must help me _smile.

She turned around and smiled a bad, toothy grin, nearly dropping a small stack of gardening books. She set it down and waited for me to continue.

"I...um...is there a Draco Malfoy who works here by any chance?" I tried.

Her eyes lit up in recognition, but I knew she was going to let me down by the way her smile fell. "There was. He quit a few weeks ago."

"Damn. Do you know where he went?" I asked, hoping I wasn't asking too much. I didn't know what sort of questions would be considered crossing the line into intrusion, but I hoped she wouldn't know much about the law regardless.

"I'm afraid not. He said something about Glasgow? He didn't really talk much or say much about himself, very charming though. A bit pretentious..." She trailed off. Glasgow? I really hope he didn't trek all the way up to Scotland, that could prove to be a very difficult find. Who the hell did I know in Scotland! Nobody. Well, Hogwarts was there, obviously, but I doubt Malfoy would go back there. Bloody hell, maybe the guy upstairs would be a better help.

"Glasgow..." I repeated mostly to myself.

"Yeah, he said he was joining the theater or something. Or already in it...ahh, I can't remember! I didn't work with him very much, I was hired in once he gave his notice." Well, that's a bit more help. "I'd ask Paul upstairs. He loved Draco."

"Thanks for your help! Really appreciate it." I smiled widely and nearly flew up the stairs behind me. Hope she didn't think I was rude for rushing away like that. But she'd said all she knew! In my opinion we were done.

So, the theater? Was that some sort of cover up for the pornography studio? Didn't want to admit what he really did for a living? I can't imagine Malfoy really doing theater. But then again, I didn't peg Malfoy as the porn star type either.

"Excuse me, sir, are you Paul?" I asked, praying the cashier didn't think I was checking him out. Because I totally was_. _He was actually quite cute once I got a good look at him! His lumpy sweater had to go, but his salt and pepper hair was attractive in a George Clooney way, yet his face resembled more of David Tennant. I'd go for him! Too bad he looked definitely straight.

"Ahh, no. I'm Rick. Paul should be around the corner there," He said, pointing across the store towards an area I didn't even notice before. "He's got black hair and glasses. Looks a bit like you, actually."

"Thank you much." I smiled, hesitantly edging towards his directions.

He looks like me? Weird. I suppose my appearance isn't quite that uncommon though. Naturally wild black hair that could easily be mimicked with a few styling products, and black framed glasses. Generic!

As soon as I spotted this Paul fellow, my heart instantly started pounding. That was the guy. _Me. _The porn star Harry. What the fuck! He looked a bit different than he did in the film, mainly because he donned an actual outfit, but his hair was styled in a neat side part and didn't actually have green eyes. Guess that's a perk of colored contacts! He looked like a model not a porn star, and I wasn't sure I wanted to approach him after all.

Never mind, I'm sure he doesn't know anything about me. It seems unlikely that Malfoy would choose to tell him the background information for the story behind the porn. He probably doesn't even know wizards actually exist.

Crap. He's spotted me. He eyes me curiously, probably taking into consideration our twin-like qualities, and walks towards me. "Looking for something in particular?" Gosh, did anyone have any _other _questions to ask in the shops?

"Yeah. Are you Paul?" I figured I'd get straight to it instead of beating around the bush.

"That's what they call me." He shrugs, and smiles. Jeez, what a dork.

"Great! So listen, I'm an old friend of Draco Malfoy -" I started, about to tell him that the girl downstairs told me they knew each other. In fact, she said Paul _loved _Draco. It suddenly made sense.

"Draco? Yeah, what about him." He suddenly seemed suspicious. Like I was asking a forbidden question.

I laughed a bit, trying to appear insouciant. I didn't want him to think I was some sort of criminal investigator! Or bill collector. "I heard from a colleague that he was working here, just curious if he was here. Haven't seen him in a while."

Paul relaxed a bit, likely buying my stretch from the truth. So it wasn't _my _colleague who leaked the outdated information, it wasn't a big deal! "Yeah, I know him."

Okay... Could he _be _any more vague? Let's elaborate, shall we? We've already established that he _knows _him, now how about something a bit more juicy? I flashed what I hoped was an encouraging expression, waiting for him to continue. This could prove to be a very dragged out conversation if I had to twist his arm for every sentence!

Paul seemed to get the hint and opened his mouth again. "Right. Well, Draco doesn't work here anymore."

"Yeah, that's what the girl downstairs told me. She didn't know where he was now, and then she pointed me in your direction."

"Look, I don't know if I should be giving out his information..." He trailed off, looking down in awkward hesitation.

"I'm not asking you to tell me his address or give me his national insurance number or anything. I'm just curious to know if you had any idea of where I might find him now." Shit, I didn't know how to go about this. He obviously knew something, probably had Malfoy hidden in a closet at his flat.

Paul hesitated and didn't continue. I had to make up something in order to get him to spill! This was the guy from the film! He clearly had a connection to the git.

"Okay...I'll admit." I started, lowering my voice and leaning forward pretending like I was about to tell him a big secret. "Draco and I used to have … a thing. But we sort of lost touch."

Suddenly something dawned on Paul. What the _hell _did he know? "So...so you're his long lost love?"

What? Malfoy's lost love? As if!

"Well...I can't vouch for him. But he's certainly mine." I giggled idiotically, smirking.

"No. You're definitely him. That must be why he was so attracted to me." He said the latter bit to himself, surely indicating his appearance.

"Did you guys get together?" I asked curiously. Not that I cared! Malfoy could date whoever the fuck he wanted.

He sighed heavily, clearly disappointed. "No. We never really officially went out. He said I reminded him too much of you." Ha! Of course they never officially went out! They were too busy making porn flicks together to have a real relationship!

"What! You're much taller than me!" I laughed, trying to make this bloke feel comfortable. Now he looked supremely awkward, talking to the love of his crush's life. What a crack up.

He laughed as well, but not feeling much better. "I guess he went up to Glasgow to join the theater group." 

"Oh that Draco, always the actor..." I looked up to the ceiling in false, happy remembrance.

"Yeah, he's pretty good! I don't know how to reach him though. He didn't have an address yet, he said he was staying in a hotel, and now his mobile says it's been disconnected when I tried to ring him."

Figures.

"Well, damn. That's better than nothing though!" I did appreciate his help, really. But I didn't find out anything that the girl hadn't already told me.

"I suppose. He mentioned something about the Blythswood Square Hotel? I don't know if that's where he ended up staying or what, but there's a chance!" And he had the audacity to hold out on me! But at least he was _trying _to help now. I still feel like he knows so much more than he's leading on.

"Great. Don't know how I'll ever find him...Glasgow's a big city." I chuckled, rolling my eyes at myself. I don't want to chit-chat with this impersonator. Doesn't he have work to do anyway? Shouldn't he be putting books away?

"Why don't you give me your number and I'll give you a ring if I hear anything else. He left a message on the machine a few days ago, but like an idiot didn't leave a new number! So maybe I'll hear from him again soon." Paul laughed naively. As if Malfoy did anything on accident. He didn't _want _Paul to have his new number... He probably just called to let him know he still existed as not to seem like a total asshole git.

I rattled off a few numbers as the twin penned them on a piece of scrap paper and said goodbye. What an interesting experience. So I'm the love of Malfoy's life, huh? Weird. I haven't even really seen him much since Hogwarts! We ran into each other a few times while he worked at the Ministry when I'd passed through doing God knows what, and we would nod civilly toward each other. Maybe even grunt a forced hello plus surname. I never would have suspected he suppressed an insane crush! Surely he knew of my sexual preference? Everybody knew. Somehow the information got leaked when it happened and it was all over the _Prophet. _For about a week or two. No one seemed to care that much, surprisingly. It was just the same bull shit, instead of trying to set me up with the wizarding world's most eligible bachelorette, they tried to set me up with the most eligible bachelors. No thanks!

But damn, now I had to continue searching.

-00000-

I apparated away to Ron's flat in a hurry and knocked on the door. I hoped he was home! He didn't usually stay late at work, and he and Hermione didn't go out much on Monday evenings. He answered the door pleasantly a moment later and ushered me in.

"What did you find out?" He asked eagerly, knowing exactly what I had done this afternoon.

"Not much. He doesn't work at the bookshop anymore and apparently has run off to Glasgow." I explained quickly. He didn't need to hear about it verbatim.

"Bugger. How will you find him then?" Ron looked disappointed.

"I have an idea. Get this, the guy who told me all about Malfoy's whereabouts was...my stunt double. It was the guy who played me in the film!" I stopped for a reaction.

"No way! Hermione, get out here! You've got to hear about this." He turned around and called toward the other room. I heard a muffled response, something about changing clothes, and that she'd be right out. I figured I'd wait for her to explain any more so I wouldn't have to say it twice.

"I can't believe you met a real porn star." Ron laughed. Even I had to admit it was rather funny. Too bad I was caught up on the fact that he acted as me! I wonder if Paul knew that the film was about me. Seems doubtful.

Seconds later, Hermione appeared from their bedroom and joined the discussion. I told her as much as Ron already knew and then I elaborated on the part about the theater group.

"Malfoy? A stage actor? Give me a break." Ron snorted in disbelief.

"I know, I can't imagine him doing that either."

"I just can't see Malfoy willingly performing for two hundred people every night on a stage. It just seems beneath him." Ron continued laughing. Hermione didn't seem to think this was so funny.

"Why is it so hard to believe? He's already done a film? Why shouldn't he want to try his hand at theater? Honestly, I bet he'd be pretty good at it." She shrugged her shoulders.

I told them about the hotel and Hermione said she could help me get the phone numbers for the hotels. I wonder if it'd just be easier to find the theater and wait around for him.

"I'd try the hotel first, Harry. There's probably dozens of theaters in Glasgow, and apparently only one Blythswood Square Hotel." Hermione declared. It was settled then.

"Should I go alone?" I asked, hinting that I would appreciate backup.

"I'll go with you, mate!" Ron agreed happily. Hermione couldn't afford to take off work at the moment, but Ron made his own schedule fortunately. I don't think I could go there alone.

"Okay, let's ride the train and come up with a plan on the way." I offered, really just wanting to go on a train ride.

Ron didn't complain. I was paying. We packed a light weekend bag each and met up at Kings Cross, which led right into Glasgow Central. And in five or six hours time we'd be backpacking our way through Scottish territory. Hopefully they didn't try to fight us.

-000000-

"I can't understand him. He's English." The girl behind the glass fronted information desk said to the girl in the booth next to her, not even trying to whisper or be polite.

"Hey! Do you need me to write it down? I just want to know where the Blythswood Square Hotel is!" Ron enunciated curtly, extremely exasperated.

The girl stared at him like he was from another planet, acting like she couldn't bloody well understand English. As if it was really that difficult! Ron's accent wasn't even that strong compared to a lot of us.

"Oh for the love of God, this is bloody ridiculous. Where. Is. The. _Blythswood Square. _Hotel?" I asked indignantly, like talking to a child.

Finally it seemed to dawn on her. She gave us the address and we said thank you, only out of our dire need to always do the right thing.

"Jesus Christ, what a moron." Ron shook his head as we exited the premises. Here we were, in the heart of Glasgow, without a clue as to where to go. We had to find somebody who could help us. We had the address, now we just needed a little push in the right direction.

"Harry, why don't we just get a taxi?" Ron suggested. I hit myself on the head. Why couldn't _I _have thought of that? How obvious.

"Yeah, I don't feel like apparating. I want to see what we're dealing with here." And duh, apparating? Even more obvious. But I kind of wanted to see the city a bit, I've never been here before.

As Ron hailed the taxi, I gathered up our luggage and didn't even bother throwing it into the trunk. We could hold it on our laps, the bags weren't that large. And apparently our ride was only about five or ten minutes. We could have walked!

As the cab pulled up to the hotel, I realized why Malfoy would opt to stay in a place like this. It looked glorious. I can only imagine what it was like inside. Ron handed the driver a few notes and we headed towards the door eagerly.

And instantly the place screamed "Malfoy." Of course Malfoy would want to stay in a hotel. Especially a hotel like this. He had his bed made for him everyday, a chocolate on his pillow every night, he could even have his food delivered to his room if he wanted. And this place looked incredible! I felt inadequate just standing in the lobby! This was extreme luxury and suddenly I felt like I worked in a dump. I'd have to give my hotel decorator a few ideas!

Well, here goes nothing. I hope the concierge woman would be able to help me.

-000000-

_A/n: I'm sorry if my first person point of view isn't working out very well! I've never written much in it, and I'm a bit out of practice! I feel like I'm doing it all wrong in places. I keep going through it and changing tenses and all that, but I just can't decide what sounds right. I'll take all the help I can get, so if anyone is interested in helping me edit let me know. I'll let ya! :P_

_And please, any ideas for upcoming scenes, throw them at me!_

_Until next time!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Snake Dog**

_A/n: Holy fuck, do you think it's been _long _enough since I last updated? Sorry for the excruciatingly prolonged delay! Didn't forget about writing stories, just haven't had much time. Man, if this was a paying job, I'd be fired no doubt! Haha. Well enjoy! And I can't promise anything, (although I'd love to!) but I shouldn't be leaving you in the lurch for as long as this anymore. :-P_

**Chapter Four:**

What a bitch. Who cares about guest confidentiality and all that shit? I'm not going to try and murder Draco Malfoy! I just want to know if he's staying at the hotel or not. And what room he's in if by chance he _is _here. But no. This lady is sitting up on her high horse just wallowing in her power trip, smirking at the fact that I'm standing down here suffering. For some reason I feel like he _is _in the hotel, _she _just doesn't want to tell me. If only the Imperius Curse wasn't considered unforgivable... I need to find Malfoy! I don't care what it takes.

"Let's just go, Ron." I grunted, pulling him by the arm and ignoring the smug look of satisfaction on the bitch's potato shaped head. Even my witty charm and handsome face couldn't sway that lady. I suppose we'd have to test out plan B.

"So what now?" He asked when we were out of the concierge's field of vision. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate us lurking about in her lobby. We could be dangerous!

"Fuck, I don't know. Let's wait over there on that bench like creeps and think." I suggested, laughing as we crossed the street. I figured while we concocted another search plan we could just stalk the entrance and wait to see if he ever emerged.

"This just seems dumb. We're wizards for crying out loud! You'd think we'd be able to come up with a better plan for finding _one _bloody wizard." Ron conveyed. I had to admit, I agreed one hundred and ten percent. I just couldn't understand why my mind went blank when it came to tracking down the git.

"I know, right? What's wrong with us? Maybe we should try to find a theater and see if any of them have ever heard of Malfoy."

"Yeah, I'm sure those theater poofs will be a heck of a lot nicer than that bloody cunt in the hotel." Ron laughed, sharing a fair point.

Within an hour we found one theater. We had to ask quite a few people, not many knowing where any were located. They must not have been into the live entertainment scene. We probably could have asked the concierge woman for the information, but considering our previous encounter she'd probably spit on my face.

We found the ticket seller and didn't know if he was the appropriate person to talk to, but it was worth a shot!

"No, I'm sorry. I've never heard of the fella!" The middle age man admitted. "The only blond lad we have here's called Marcus."

Damn. So unless Malfoy was using a fake name, it didn't seem likely that _Marcus _was our guy. Couldn't hurt to ask for a visual though!

"Yeah, his headshot's over on the wall behind you! I'll show ya." He offered, stepping away from his desk and pointing to a picture of some attractive guy in black and white. Definitely wasn't him. Wouldn't mind meeting this bloke though! I could meet him back stage after the show, push him up against the wall of his dressing room-

"Aww shucks, that isn't him." Ron said, sounding disappointed and knocking me out of my daydream. Bugger. We had the man point us in the direction of another theater and hightailed it out of there. No time to waste!

"You'd think that wanker would be easier to track down!" Ron said, laughing as we neared the next destination.

"I know. But do you think it'll be weird if we _do _find him? I mean, it won't exactly be a coincidence that we ran into him all the way up here in Glasgow. Ya know?"

"Harry, it'll be weird either way. And that fucker deserves to get punched and who gives a flying fuck what city it happens in. He made a _porno _with your stunt double! That's weird enough as it is!" I knew there was a reason I loved Ron. He didn't care about over analyzing every aspect of the situation, he just went with it. I needed a partner in crime like that. I didn't think things through.

It didn't matter so much that Malfoy starred in recreational pornography films but more the fact that he's been harboring a boner for me his entire life. I could handle Malfoy as a porn star. In fact, if I didn't know him for the complete twat that he was, I'd probably even choose a film with him in it just based on looks alone. If I was going to buy another porn film, of course. Because stupid prat or not, the man was gorgeous.

Immediately we spotted his photo on the wall. As soon as we entered the next theater, the headshot's of the current actors in the plays popped off the wall. And Malfoy was easily recognizable. I figured his picture would be more flashy, though. Like it would be three times as large as all the others. . . in color too. With a frame! But his was as inconspicuous as the rest, blending in with the others, held up by four silver wall tacks.

"Holy fuck. There he is." Ron ran up to the photo, pointing at Malfoy's nose as if I couldn't see it without his help.

"He looks good." I blurted out before I had a chance to sensor myself. It was true though, I couldn't deny the fact. I just hoped Ron wasn't going to twist this around into something else.

"Yeah...if you're into that pointy albino look." He scrunched up his nose in minor disgust and pushed me on the shoulder. "Which apparently you are!"

I was staring. But I couldn't help it! I haven't seen Malfoy in a while. And obviously a headshot is going to be a very attractive photo that played out all a man's best features! I wish I could rip it down from the wall and look at it all the time.

"That's a porn star." What? That was an unfamiliar voice. I turned around to see the stranger who spoke and backed away. He looked really shady. His jacket had a rip in the elbow and a bleach stain on the collar. His jeans were passable but not great. But his hair! Oh his hair was an absolute disgrace. His disheveled mop made my rat's nest look like a model's!

"What makes you say that?" Ron asked, and I noticed he sniffed the air. Suddenly I got a big whiff of stale alcohol, body odor, and fried food. How appetizing!

"My brother told me. He's a queer." He stated, shrugging.

"Who that guy or your brother?" Ron asked, pointing at Malfoy's picture.

"My brother. So he's into that kind of stuff." Gosh, could this filthy guy be _any _more vague?

"Okay..." Ron narrowed his eyes. Was this guy a freak or what?

"Any particular reason you're telling us this?" I asked, not interested in what this man had to say unless it could help us find Malfoy.

"No, just thought it was an interesting tidbit. See ya." He shrugged, turning on his heel to walk away, giving us another big whiff of his delightful aroma.

"Try telling us something we didn't already know. Jesus." I shook my head, turning back to face Ron, who looked supremely amused.

"What a weirdo."

"Yeah, and what was he doing in here anyway? He didn't look like the type of guy who'd want to see a production of _Some Like it Hot._" I laughed.

"Yeah, not really. Well, let's look around a bit. At least we know we've got the right theater."

We walked up to the ticket booth and I tapped my fingers on the counter trying to get the girls attention. She wore a low, side ponytail and popped her gum obnoxiously, her nose pressed in a book.

"You wanna see the play?" She hardly looked up. How rude! I craned my neck to see what book she was reading, mainly to see if it looked acceptable for something so engaging. It had a pink cover and a picture of a wedding ring. Chick-lit. How predictable.

"You wanna put that book down?" Ron muttered under his breath. She couldn't possibly have heard what he said considering his distance, but she seemed to take a hint nonetheless. Marking her place with a butterfly bookmark, she flashed a toothy smile and gave me a very blatant once over. Sorry sister, not your type!

"Possibly. Can you tell me who's in it?" I asked, hoping she had some sort of knowledge on the subject.

"I really couldn't say. But here's a program, has all their names in it and like, a little biography." She shrugged, thrusting a pamphlet in my direction.

"Thanks." I flipped through the first few pages and saw that Malfoy was playing Joe. Or Josephine. I had to see it.

"Ron, what if we see the play?" I asked, hopeful.

"How will that help us?" I could tell he had no interest in preforming arts.

"Well...we could wait for him after the show and ambush him. Or we could follow him after the show and see where he goes. I don't know! But I think seeing this play could really be beneficial. Plus, I _really _want to see it. I love the film!" I begged, knowing I'd have to give him a real reason when I saw his skeptical face. He rolled his eyes and agreed.

"Fine, but you're buying the bloody tickets. And this better not be some fuckin' queer play." He laughed, but I knew he was serious.

"No, just two blokes dressed as ladies."

-000000-

We didn't have very good seats, considering we bought the tickets the night of the show, but at least we could see the actors. It's a wonder they had any availability at all! But, it was probably a good thing we weren't seated too close to the stage. Wouldn't want to run the risk of Malfoy spotting us too early. It'd ruin his performance.

Surprisingly, Malfoy put on a quality show. He kept the audience laughing and thankfully, looked absolutely _ridiculous _dressed as a woman. Something about Malfoy's delicate features screamed masculinity, which seemed like an odd contradiction, but he did not look feminine in the slightest. I could handle that. And _just because _I wanted to give Malfoy a piece of my mind, did not mean I couldn't find the git attractive. It's only human nature. Not like I wanted to get with the man. That could not happen without silencing his trap so I wouldn't be able to hear his snarky voice and drugging myself. Because I'd have to be on drugs. In fact, I'm not entirely sure I haven't been drugged now...

"Ron, have you drugged me?" I whispered to the redhead, who looked thoroughly enticed with the scene. I looked up to see a busty woman throwing herself onto Malfoy. He stayed true to his character, which was a necessity if he thought he had any chance of becoming a good actor, but I could tell he didn't like the breasts being that close. Maybe that was just my opinion.

"Yes." He simply stated, rolling his eyes. Bugger. Maybe I'm coming down with the flu or something. I felt my head to see if it was warm, but I couldn't tell.

Twenty minutes later the show ended and the cast took their bows. Several audience members threw flowers up onto the stage, and I noticed I still had my underwear on. Meaning I didn't run down to the stage, take them off and toss them frivolously onto the stage like a lunatic. Phew!

"So what now?" Ron asked, bringing me back to the real situation.

"Okay, well we've got to follow Malfoy out of here somehow. I'm not going to bombard him in front of his cast mates, so let's go out there and wait for a bit." I suggested, not really having a definite plan.

"Yeah, they'll probably be a bit. They gotta take all that makeup off..." Ron mused, leaning his back against a brick wall.

I started to space out just watching the passerby in the corridor, not really comprehending much, until I heard a snippet of some vital information. "Hey Sloane, drinks at The Hibbert in thirty minutes!"

Another voice responded, "Who's going?"

The first man rattled off a few names, probably the entire cast, but he said Malfoy's name. This was it. We'll just happen to hit the same pub as the cast, and nonchalantly run into Malfoy.

"Did you hear that, Ron?" I asked, nudging him on the arm.

"Yeah, let's go." He responded quickly, moving fast because we had to figure out where this pub was located.

-000000-

We didn't have to walk far. We didn't even have to ask for help. As soon as we exited the building, we turned left and could see The Hibbert on the corner. That was easy enough! I hoped I looked all right. Couldn't be running into Malfoy looking like garbage! Especially not if I'm the love of his life. It'd crush him! His dreams would be ruined. And I did not want to be a fantasy killer tonight. I just wanted to sock him in the face.

"Should we go in? Let's get a beer now. I need a drink after suffering through that play." Ron laughed. He totally liked it, I could see it in his eyes. I couldn't wait to tell Hermione that her manly husband enjoyed a play.

"Agreed, I need to chill out."

Polishing off our second pint of Guinness, I heard the crew walk through the door. They were loud as hell. Almost the entire pub turned around to see what all the commotion was about. Unfortunately, I didn't see Malfoy amongst them.

"Where's the porn star?" Ron asked, thankfully on the same wavelength.

"Maybe he's running late. Couldn't stop staring at himself in the mirror probably." I quipped, shrugging. He asked a good question!

"Well hopefully he shows up. And have we got any place to stay tonight?"

Fuck. Now _that _was a good question. "We'll figure something out. There's bound to be vacancies. This isn't tourist season."

Hopefully I knew what I was talking about. Ron and I tried to get a table a little closer to the bunch, trying to eavesdrop on their conversation. Maybe they'd talk about Malfoy.

"Yeah, he said he'll be here." A skinny woman declared.

"He better not have driven back to Wishaw." The man who played the other lead in the play shouted over the noise.

"No way, he'll be here." The woman sounded sure of herself, but her eyes looked skeptical.

Ron and I ordered another pint, switching to something a little less...thick, and nearly forgot what we were doing in the first place. We were having so much fun drinking that we barely noticed the familiar blonde mop enter the establishment.

"Fuck, Ron, there he is." I whispered, trying to hide my face. I wasn't ready for this.

-000000-

_A/n: Now what kind of writer would I be if I didn't leave you on a cliffhanger? A nice one, obviously! Expect another update very soon. :-D_


	5. Chapter 5

**Snake Dog**

_A/n: Damn, I could have sworn it has been less than a month since I updated this. Guess not! Sorry loves!_

**Chapter Five:**

Thankfully Malfoy hasn't noticed me yet, because I'm not quite sure how I want to go about this, but it's most surprising considering he's only two tables away and has faced my direction plenty of times. I hope I'm not _that _unnoticeable! I guess I'll have to feign some sort of run in at the bar counter next time he goes up for a drink if he doesn't spot me soon though. No way in hell I'm going to approach his table first. Just no.

"Ron, what should I say to him?" I ask, trying not to to be loud, even though the pub is incredibly noisy and there's not a chance Malfoy could have heard me. Not that he could have even concluded what the statement meant, but the fact of the matter still remained!

"Just act natural? Umm...pretend you're completely shocked to see him and you have no idea he's done the film about you. Don't bring it up immediately. Then he'll know you've tracked him down if you do." Ron shrugs his shoulders, but I have to agree. These few pints of lager have certainly put a few things into perspective. Ron's right though – I think. Maybe I shouldn't just accuse Malfoy right off the bat about the film, I'll chat with him for a while – if he'll even allow it – and then drop the bomb.

I see Malfoy hooting and hollering away with his mates, and mainly just observe his act. He looks pretty carefree, although I can see the hesitation in his eyes plainly from a distance. Maybe I just know his face. He appears to be having a grand ole time, but doesn't feel completely at ease. They're probably all Muggles and he doesn't know how to relax properly. I notice he's had a few beers himself, so this will probably be the best place to "coincidentally" bump into him. Maybe he's a lot nicer drunk. God, I hope so.

"Harry, he's headed for the bar." Ron points out discreetly, giving me a chance to say hello.

I walk over to the counter, making sure not to stand directly behind him, but close enough that he'll see me for sure as he turns around again. I get two beers while I'm at it. Ron's going to need another.

"Oh my fucking god." I hear him say, resisting my urge to flash an obnoxiously smug smirk. He's _finally_ seen me. "Potter?"

"Bloody hell, Malfoy?" I cautiously approach him, making sure not to slosh my beers all over the floor. Why must they fill 'em to the brim!

Malfoy looks sensational. He's wearing an impressive, grey button up shirt, rolled up to the elbows, with an unbuttoned black vest. And jeans? This was a get-up I thought I'd never see. Witnessing Malfoy in jeans is almost equivalent to Ron wearing a dress... Well, I guess it isn't quite _that _farfetched...but it's still ludicrous to me!

"What are you doing here?" He asks, eying me suspiciously.

"Drinking o' course!" I shrug my shoulders.

"I can see that, but why are you _here_? In Glasgow." He's already mistrusting me, this is _great_!

"Ron and I came to visit a friend." I don't know. Who the hell cares? He doesn't need to know these minor details!

"This is unbelievable." He says mostly to himself. "Who do _you _know that lives in Glasgow?"

"No one you'd know. But we're finished getting together with them now, just haven't left yet obviously." It didn't matter what I said. This was all irrelevant. "I should be asking what _you're _doing here in Scotland?"

"I'm acting in the theater." he shrugs his shoulders. Wow, I didn't expect an easy answer out of him. Since Malfoy and I have already bumped into each other a few times over the last three years, we weren't exactly bitter rivals any longer. Didn't mean we liked each other much or thought about calling up the other for a quick chat or a night out on the town (at least _I _didn't), but we weren't about to get into a hexing duel in the middle of the pub. No guarantees on that, but it seemed pretty unlikely.

"Oi! Harry! What's taking so long?" I hear Ron shout from across the room, but I know he's not trying to "interfere," he probably just wants his beer. And actually, he's probably helping out perfectly. It would be unnatural if Ron didn't interject after a minute.

"Oh no way! I've got to see Weasley." Malfoy doesn't wait for me to allow it or not and follows me over to the table. I hardly have a chance to set the beers down before Ron's overplayed reaction to seeing Malfoy takes place and nearly ruins everything.

"Holy shit, what the hell are _you _doing here?" Ron demands, glaring at Malfoy's pointy face, sounding as phony as possible.

In all actuality, his face has really leveled out. It's not quite as sharp and chiseled as it was back in school. It's much softer and less intense, and I'm glad to see he's grown into his nose. He wears his hair much looser and a bit shaggy on his neck, thankfully not in a mullet way though. I find it to be unbelievably sexy. I have to_ stop_ this. I'm supposed to be here pointing fingers and embarrassing the poor boy into hiding forever. But instead I'm drooling all over him like a sixteen year old school girl.

Holy fuck he has an earring, too! A subtle silver hoop on his left earlobe. I can handle that.

"As I was just telling Potter, I'm an _actor_ now." He lifts his chin proudly and both Ron and I suppress a snort. This brings me back to reality a bit, reminding me of Malfoy's _fabulous _personality, and I am able to forget about my blue balls momentarily.

"Is that so? Anything I may have seen you in?" Ron drips a bit of beer down his chin and I see Malfoy roll his eyes. As if he would expect that from _a Weasley_. Ron better not get ahead of himself and bring the porn up too early. I swear, if that hypocrite wrecks this-

"Unlikely." He takes a large swig of his dark porter and I can smell the alcohol on his breath from a foot away. He's definitely a bit toasty, and I guarantee that's why he's acting so civil.

"Wait right here, I'll be back in a flash." He taps the table gently, clarifying where he wants us to wait, and waltzes over to the rest of his theater nuts leaving his beer in front of my face to babysit. We could drug it if we wanted to!

I can hear him clearly over the racket of the bar, now officially tuned in to the sound of his pompous voice, and I don't even bother hiding my laughter. "Listen fellows, I'll be right over there. I've just ran into some chums from school and it's been ages since I've seen them! I'll catch up with you in a bit!"

Old _chums _from school? You've got to be joking. I'm sure he meant old foes or old filth. I ask Ron what he's doing, watching him demand the bartenders attention, but Ron shakes his head since he obviously knows no more than I do. But we have our answer soon enough, seeing Malfoy fumble with three tumblers full of brown liquid.

"All right, I hope you fools like whiskey!" He declares, placing a glass in front of each of us. "Cheers!"

Cheers?

-000000-

"And remember the time Ron tried to hex you with slugs and it backfired!" I pointed at Ron, laughing hysterically. We've had quite a bit now. Three more whiskeys each and another pint. Each time I walk away to use the loo I feel the inebriation taking over, tempting me to stumble and fall. I can handle my liquor, but I was nearing the end of my run. I'd have to take it slow from now on if I wanted to keep up and stay standing.

This whole thing is just absurd. Here we are, in a little random pub in the middle of Glasgow, drinking whiskey on the rocks with Draco Malfoy. What the fuck. And neither Ron nor I have brought up the pornography yet. This is _not _going according to plan. I'll just have to chuck that plan out the bloody window.

"Hey! That's because I had a faulty wand!" Ron crosses his arms in defiance, but I can see the smile forming on his lips.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blame it all on your damn wand. You were rubbish at spells and you know it!" Even though Malfoy and Ron were consistently bickering and taking jabs at one another, it seemed to be all in jest. Like an unsaid truce had been called. I'm _sure_ it was just the whiskey talking. No, I can guarantee it's the booze's fault. No way they'd resolve years of animosity this quick. And I'm in the same boat! However, I can get past that bad blood in a heartbeat if I get to look at Malfoy's handsome face a bit longer...

"Not as bad as some of the others." Ron couldn't go down without a fight!

"Fair enough." Malfoy shrugged, hailing the waitress for another round. He didn't have a chance to announce his order before I cut in.

"No, no, no. I've got this round! The porn industry probably doesn't pay nearly enough to buy all of this!" I chuckle genuinely, hoping he figured it was just a coincidence that I mentioned his smut job, and wasn't actually accusing him of anything. I checked his face after the girl walked off and noticed he didn't seem fazed.

"No, it doesn't. You'd think it would, but the pay's shite." And now he's trying to play it off as a gag too! Oh hell no!

By now Malfoy's friends have left, and the pub was getting ready for last call. We've paid for everything so we could leave whenever we fancied. I figured I better bring up the film now while I still had a chance. While I had some drunken nerve. While Malfoy was being nice.

"Yeah it's funny, I was watching a film the other day, and I could have _sworn _the bloke looked just like you!" I look Malfoy directly in the eye as best I could considering my intoxication level, and like the good little actor he was, proceeded to play dumb.

"Well that's odd!" But I could tell he felt uncomfortable. After all, I was the love of his life, right? At least that's what Paul seemed to think. But who knew how credible that idiot was... However, it kind of made sense. _If _I did happen to hold a massive place in Malfoy's wanking fantasy world, I could believe it. He was, as Ron and I both were experiencing, behaving funny and pleasant. Not a usual combination for the ferret. But if he was enamored with me, I'm sure he wouldn't want to drive me away with horribleness! But what the hell did I know?

"Is it?" Ron narrowed his eyes, catching on that we were gonna do this accusation _now_.

"What's even stranger is that the film was about wizards! And there was a guy who looked just like _me." _If the face I threw at him didn't blatantly scream, _I know what you did, _then I don't even want to know what I looked like. But I knew it was satisfactory. I had him.

"How could you have seen that?" He asked in a small voice, absolutely petrified.

"It was an accident." I shrugged. I imagined this whole scenario going a lot more atrociously. This was so mild and clean-handed I almost want to puke. Where's the blood and action? Maybe it's yet to come...

"You weren't supposed to ever see that." He said sounding mortified. His face, already sporting a bright crimson blush from the booze, turned another shade or two redder.

"It doesn't matter that I saw it. I just want to know _why_?" I prodded, half hoping I could get a decent answer out of him. But it might be fun if he put up a fight. Fuckin' booze...it ruins everything! Yet made it bloody fantastic all the same..

"Gotta piss." Ron announced, standing up dramatically and headed towards the toilets. I think he left on purpose. To give me and Malfoy a bit of privacy. Knowing Malfoy, he probably wouldn't want to admit to anything outright if Ron was hanging on his every word.

"I can't tell you that." Malfoy shrugged, trying his hardest to form an inebriated, stoic expression.

"C'mon, Malfoy, you have to give me _something_! Imagine if you were in my position."

Suddenly the whole room started to clear out, and we discovered we'd nearly overstayed our welcome. They wanted to close down. We had to leave. Fuck! Ron needed to hurry up because Malfoy wasn't about to stick around much longer. Especially considering the fact that I'd just brought up his biggest nightmare.

"I've gotta get going home." He checked his shiny silver watch and glanced at the door.

"Yeah we've got to find a place to stay for the night..." I thought out loud. I half hoped Malfoy would offer up a sofa or two at his place, but that wouldn't happen until hell froze over, melted, and then froze over again. But it's a funny prospect to think about nonetheless!

"I probably shouldn't be driving..." Malfoy declared. He shared a good point. He'd surely get into an accident. "_Or_ apparating..." Yeah, he might splinch himself!

Ron showed up just in the nick of time and we exited the pub together. "Ron, we need to find a place to stay."

"I think I'll join you two. _No_, I'm not going to try and sneak into your beds, I just can't get home like this." Malfoy clarified once he saw Ron's look of pure horror.

"Okay." Ron nearly had to wipe the sweat from his brow. I know he and Malfoy had been getting along fairly decently...while drinking, but he sure as hell wasn't ready to be sharing a hotel room! What a crack up!

"I know where the closest one is." We proceeded to follow Malfoy around the corner and down a main street. We stumbled along in near silence, not even realizing just how preposterous the whole situation really was, until we reached the hotel lobby.

He better not think our conversation is over. I don't know how I'm going to get it out of him, but I sure as hell am not going to give up now. It'll probably be a lot more difficult after this. What are the chances of getting hammered with the slimy git again in the near future? Slim to none.

I had some planning to do.

-00000000-

_A/n: A bit short, I know. But I'm tired and I'm scatterbrained and I probably shouldn't post this tonight. But I'm going to anyway._

_I really hope the 1st person thing isn't too awful. I keep going through it but I'm not sure what sounds correct. I'm just gonna leave it. This isn't serious business, hahaha. It's only a silly little fanfic._

_Anyways! I'll try to get more up ASAP._

_Let me know what you think! :)_


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